There's something about getting through security that makes me feel incredibly free and satisfied. It's like being locked in tight, sure of where you're going.
This week has been full of anxiety, and I am not usually an anxious person.
My whole life I've been surrounded by others who I know struggle very closely with anxiety. I've never understood it until this week (and honestly, I still only have a fraction of an understanding). It's like this over arching feeling that just won't go away. It's illogical, and you know its illogical, which seems to only make it worse. However, it makes sense, and there are triggers, and yet you know you are stronger than it. It's paralyzing at moments, and simply annoying at others.
Today was a fight to say "NO" to anxiety and "YES" to Jesus. I spent the majority of the day trying to keep myself busy and constantly praying, wrestling these feelings of anxiety. And somehow I knew the moment I walked through security and made it to the other side I'd feel fine. And I do!
Sometimes (err. my counselor would probably tell you more often than not) I'm a little hard on myself. I feel like I should be able to do things anytime, anywhere, no buts. I feel like I should be able to trust God completely in a given moment, no excuses. And to an extent, we all should. But I'm learning the hard way that we are all incredibly imperfect, and simply incapable on our own, and that's okay.
God does not expect me to be perfect, rather he wants to walk me towards perfection each and every day as I get to know him. On one hand I feel broken and messed up for not being able to find peace on one side of airport security. And on the other hand, I know that God knows me, and he had peace waiting for me on this side, because he knows he knows what settles my heart and mind.
I'd been praying for peace all day long, and on the way to the airport I voiced that to Ashley, explaining my confusion with prayer and how it didn't seem to be helping. She responded with a very simple answer, stating that some times God just says "not yet" but will provide the answer we want in due time. I've heard this a million times before, and yet needed to hear it again.
I might be mad at myself for not being able to find peace earlier on, but God certainly is not. And whether or not that always feels true, it is true.
How easy is it to project human capabilities and limitations on our God?
Tonight, I am choosing to believe that God is good and loving and kind. I will not project my own thoughts or feelings onto his persona. His character is much greater than mine. While we were made in his image, he is not made in ours. Thank goodness for that.